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April 14, 2000



Put Elian on E-bay

Conservative family values: sell him to the highest bidder

By Paul Begala. MSNBC, April 14, 2000

WASHINGTON, April 13 — We’ve all been amazed and amused at the right-wing contortionists as they try to simultaneously appear pro-family and pro-freedom in the case of Elian Gonzalez. When the two values they claim to treasure most are at odds, conservatives are in a quandary.

MOST HAVE CHOSEN freedom over family, while trying to define away the reality that they want Big Government to yank a motherless boy away from his loving father. The most brilliant among them, like former Gingrich spokesman Tony Blankley, have come up with a line of jive that goes like this: "You can’t be a good parent and a good communist. You must be one or the other."

PRETZEL LOGIC

Under Tony’s pretzel logic, not a single one of the 1.2 billion Chinese is a good parent. Nor is there any familial love in Vietnam, North Korea or any of the other outposts of Communism. The truth is, God gives children to mothers and fathers, not political systems.

But some conservatives are bucking the party line. Congressman Steve Largent is a man who’s so conservative that as an NFL all-pro wide receiver he would only line up on the right side of the field. He has shown the rare courage to confront the issue honestly. When he appeared on "Equal Time" he stunned Ollie North by declaring that while he believes in freedom to the core of his being, fatherhood comes first. And a fit father must have the inalienable right to raise his son where he chooses and how he chooses.

Another conservative who’s taken the Largent "Family First" position is Tony Snow. The former Bush speechwriter and Fox News commentator even had the guts to argue his case as a guest host for America’s Foremost Windbag, Rush Limbaugh. Tony caught hell, but his answer was eerily reminiscent of what Greg Craig, Elian’s father’s attorney, told me was his reason for taking this controversial case. "Because I’m a dad," he said.

FREE-MARKET APPROACH

But fear not, my conservative friends. There is a way out of this. There is a third cherished principle to which you can turn when the values of family and freedom collide: the Free Market.

Auction Elian.

Put the little guy on eBay, and let the free market decide who gets him. If Fidel wants him that badly, let him cut back on the Cohibas and use whatever rubles he has left from the Brezhnev era and pony up. If the Cuban exile community (why do they call themselves "Cuban exiles" instead of Cuban-Americans? The descendants of slaves in America don’t call themselves "African-Kidnap-Victims.") really wants Elian, let Gloria Estefan host a benefit concert so she can outbid Andy Garcia.

What better way to teach the world about American-style capitalism?

LEGAL PRECEDENT

Think I’m kidding? Well, you’re right. But Richard Posner ain’t. Posner is widely renowned as one of the most brilliant legal minds of our time. He’s also one of the most conservative. Ronald Reagan made him the Chief Judge of the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals — one step away from the Supremes — and in his spare time he’s also one of the most prolific and outspoken legal scholars of the 20th century.

Judge Posner was most recently in the news as the court-appointed mediator who tried to bring Bill Gates and the Justice Department to terms in the Microsoft case, so he’s not afraid to step between warring factions. As I thought about Elian, I recalled a Posnerian pearl I’d read back when I was in law school. Something I’ve never been able to forget. Something that could solve the conservatives’ conflict over Elian.

In his treatise, "Economic Analysis of Law," Posner wrote that mothers should be permitted to auction off their unwanted babies. Elian is far from unwanted, but why not apply the principle? Free-market conservatives like Republican House Majority Leader Dick Armey like to say "Markets are always smart; governments are always dumb." And while I might be tempted to point out that government is a hell of a lot dumber with Dick Armey in a position of power, I won’t. I’ll take Armey (himself a former economics professor) and Posner at face value. Why, then, do we entrust government — whether it’s Janet Reno or a Dade County judge — to make the most important of decisions? If markets are always smart, don’t we need their superior wisdom in this Solomonic case?

Sell the kid to the highest bidder.

MONEY TALKS

The truth is, God gives children to mothers and fathers, not political systems.

The theory is that folks take better care of things they pay more money for. My neighbor certainly takes better care of his brand new Ferrari than I do my eight-year-old Ford. Therefore, the conservatives should reason, the person who would spend the most to acquire Elian would logically do the most to protect his or her investment.

Auctioning Elian would allow the right wing to finally admit that their overarching philosophy is neither "Family Values" nor "Freedom First," but rather, something far more powerful, the deep and abiding tie that binds all conservatives, the two words that truly define conservatism in America: "Money Talks."

Paul Begala is former counselor to President Clinton. He is co-host, with Ollie North, of MSNBC’s "Equal Time," which airs at 6:30 p.m. ET Monday through Friday on MSNBC cable.

For opposing view, Ollie North

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